Spiritually, I went from being Catholic to Wiccan to atheist back to (heretical) Christian mystic.
Politically, I went from being an extreme leftist who hated America to being a center-right patriot.
If you’re going through a worldview transformation, you may resonate with my story.
In the beginning…
I had always been a tree-hugger and nature-lover from the start. As a quiet misfit I found solace in the woods away from the chaotic play of the neighborhood kids. I was friends with them but I appreciated my alone time in nature.
I grew up Catholic and went to catechism classes, made my communion, and even played “church” with my sister. I was very spiritually inclined as a kid. But I felt more connected to God alone in nature than I did in church. In the mid 90s I used the family computer to discover Wicca and witchcraft. I also found criticisms about Christianity.
This coincided with the Westboro Baptist Church becoming infamous for picketing soldiers’ funerals. Their signs, often held by small children, read “God Hates F*gs.” I knew that most Christians would never behave this way publically, but I assumed that many held similar opinions quietly.
This played a role in shaping my view of Christianity and Jesus. Westboro quote the Bible on their website, so I inferred that this is exactly what the Bible teaches: hate. Wanting to stand up for the little guy, I positioned myself as anti-christian and became an advocate for gay rights. Years later I even donated my car to the Human Rights Campaign, the largest LGBT rights organization in the country.
I graduated high school in 2001 right before the September 11 attacks. This collective traumatic event opened my eyes to global issues, war, corruption, and the United States role in the world. With all this new awareness I wanted to find answers and make a positive impact. This translated into my pursiut of social justice.
In college I was studying sociology where 100% of my professors were Marxists. They were not shy about teaching through that extreme leftist filter. I joined the Progressive Student Alliance and Youth for Socialist Action on my campus. I posted flyers, I joined protests, and helped the organizers. A group of us rented a bus and drove 10 hours across state lines to the Pittsburg G8 summit to voice our anti-capitalist, anti-imperialist, and anti-everything opinions.
I remember my idealist bubble deflating a bit when I felt the angry confrontational energy of antifa trained in black bloc tactics marching behind us. It felt like they were going to run us down. I stepped out of the way. Those were the people that were supposed to protect us from the cops. And in this world, cops are bad and they will pepper spray you for holding a sign.
Protests were exciting and it felt powerful to see the numbers we had, but in the end, we didn’t accomplish much. And I didn’t feel very powerful when we had to buy an emergency magic eraser at the evil empire of Walmart to buff out a scratch on the rented bus. I felt like a hypocrite selling my soul to the devil.
I spent most of the time during this period online where I had discovered YouTube. I lived in the comment section of political, cultural, philosophical, and economic videos. I became very good at winning arguments there due to the sheer amount of time I wasted on the pursuit of proving others wrong. I no longer believe I was right. It was just a case of practice makes perfect.
Outsmarting people online wasn’t giving me the rush it used to. Life felt meaningless as I breached the world of nihilism, atheism, and eco-extremism. My spiritual, emotional, and social world was hollowed out. I was utterly lonely and hopeless. All I saw was racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, classism, capitalism, consumerism, greed, oppression, and violence.
I was completely miserable and void of hope for humanity or the earth I loved so much. All I was a part of doing was tearing things down. Even if it was mostly in my own mind. I had no real solution, only criticisms and a pipe dream I saw no path to get to.
I needed to change something.
“Not my will, but Yours be done.”
Luke 22:42
Where were the people making the world a better place? I sought out people who were building something positive and creating something beautiful. I found hope in premaculture, transition towns, eco villages, intentional communities, and author Charles Eisenstein. I stopped debating and reading the comment section and instead I read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I tried magic mushrooms for the first time and my spiritual life started blooming again.
I didn’t know how to change my life or what exactly I should do but I knew I wanted to do something big the next year. I thought about a few different options like hiking the Appalachian trail, living in an eco village, or doing work trade on a farm but I didn’t have a plan. I just started spending more time in nature and hiking and let things unfold. I surrendered completely.
I was hiking one of my favorite spots when I just KNEW what I was going to do. I bought my plane ticket, quit my job of 15 years, and moved across the country to do a permaculture internship in an intentional community a couple months later.
Best decision I ever made.
And even though I didn’t realize it at the time, it was the best decision because I didn’t actually decide anything. God did.
I gave up trying to control my life and things started falling into place so easily. That true surrender was short lived, however, as my new adventure became a rollercoaster of ups and downs where I tried to force relationships, jobs, and experiences that just didn’t want to happen or didn’t meet my controlling idealistic expectations. But that’s a story for another time.
“So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.”
Matthew 10:26
I saw cracks in my worldview again around 2015 when I started hearing lesbians complain that they aren’t allowed to be lesbian anymore because it was “transphobic.” I was shocked that there were trans women who were insisting that lesbians had to date them. They weren’t allowed to have female only spaces either. This really started to bother me but I saw what happened to those who spoke out about it. They were shunned, canceled, harassed and called bigots. TERFs or Trans-Exclusive Radical Feminist was the invented insult.
I could not say anything.
And I didn’t say anything for 10 years. My friends would have hated me. The Left. My people. Where would I, a misfit, belong then?
I traveled the country and lived out of my car. I protested at the DNC in support of Bernie. (The Democratic Party robbed Bernie of the presidential nomination by the way). I went to Standing Rock. I basically kept living my hippie life diving even deeper into new age subcultures.
But I was getting tired of traveling and living out of bags. I wanted to put roots down. I felt that by living like this I was getting no where and not making the positive impact I intended. I was using this lifestyle as a crutch and kept having to fall back on my parents for help when in between jobs or living situations. It was a distraction from focusing and building something real. What was the purpose of my life? What and who was it serving?
“No one can serve two masters.”
Matthew 6:24
Obsessed with healing my trauma and toxic emotional patterns, I took a Dark Feminine workshop. It centered on Kali, a Hindu goddess of death and destruction. She’s often called the ego-slayer because she will strip away everything that no longer serves you and your highest potential. It’s tough love.
I was sobbing through a visualization that the facilitator lead us through when she decided to close out the exercise. She instructed us to invoke the unconditional love of Mary Magdalene.
Whoa.
I felt a warm calm come over me and was intrigued. I remember hearing about Mary Magdalene years ago and even bought a book about her but never read it. From that moment I became obsessed. I listened to podcasts, read books, and watched YouTube videos.
I was hesitant to look at Christianity itself as a serious religion or legitimate path to God. I was more rebelliously inclined toward the Gnostic Gospels. These are the books that the Catholic Church did not include in the cannon of the Bible. This was the allure for me.
Nevertheless, I started feeling drawn to Mother Mary and bought a book called “The Way of the Rose.” As a result, I began praying the rosary. Although, I couldn’t bring myself to say “us sinners” or “Jesus” in the Hail Mary prayers.
Mary Magdalene brought me to Mother Mary, and Mother Mary inevitably brought me to Jesus.
I had previously cherry-picked passages from the Bible to prove to others how awful Christianity is. I believed you would have to be stupid to worship a God that comes from that book. But I had actually never read the Bible. So I knew it was time that I change that.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
Proverbs 3:5-6
It took me a little over a year to finish but I finally did it. I read the entire Bible with the help of the Bible in a Year podcast with Father Mike Schmidt on the Hallow app. It feels good to know the entire story for myself. I started listening to all kinds of Christian voices from different denominations and backgrounds: Catholic, Eastern Orthodox, and many Protestants. (Did you know there are over 45,000 different protestant denominations!?) I also listened to skeptics, Orthodox Jews, Messianic Jews, Christian mystics, and rebellious heretics.
I wanted the whole story and every perspective.
I realized that I wanted to follow Jesus. There is no better example of a more perfect human being modeling exactly how we should all strive to live. I was falling in love with Yeshua.
But I also found there were certain teachings from Paul that contradict what Jesus said. I knew that most Christians would not accept me as a true Christian for not accepting all of what Paul says. Jesus never said I need to confess him as my lord and savior and believe in his resurrection and blood atonement to be forgiven for my sins.
Just confess and believe? I thought not everyone who calls Jesus Lord, Lord will find the kingdom of heaven. Jesus never said this and I don’t believe God needs a blood sacrifice in order to forgive us. God doesn’t need anything. He’s God.
We need to get our hearts right. I need to deny myself, pickup my cross and follow him. I need to love God with all my heart, mind, and strength and to love my neighbor as myself. I need to find the kingdom of heaven within myself and they will know me by my fruits.
That is salvation.
This perspective shift really messed with my mind. I was anti-Christian most of my life and I beleived the lies I had heard from other leftists, new agers, and atheists. I thought it was about fairy tales, fire and brimstone, hating and shaming others, and being holier than thou.
And here I was trying to become Christian and realizing that I want the world to be filled with more true Christians… but I didn’t fit into any church.
And I looked!
I went to Catholic, Episcopal, Congregational, Baptist, Evangelical, Eastern Orthodox, Pentecostal, and non-denominational protestant churches. I don’t fit into any of them. I don’t believe what they believe.
“Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him…”
1 John 2:15
Around the same time my political world is turning upside down. The left was becoming more authoritarian. Free speech was out the window. Everyone was being silenced, getting canceled, doxxed, banned, and fired left and right. Just for asking questions or stating facts!
After the murder of the health insurance CEO the left showed me it’s true demonic face. They celebrated murder. They sainted the murderer. I saw the left like I never saw them before: from the perspective of the rightwing.
I saw that they wanted death, destruction, and moral chaos.
All of my peaceful, compassionate, hippie friends were cheering on murder. Their insatiable bloodthirst was revealed to me and I coudln’t unsee it.
This led me to feel like I was in the upside down world. My side had all the bad guys. And all the good guys that had hearts were on the enemy’s side. I coudln’t wrap my head around what was happening.
Then they started denying that Biden was no longer mentally capable of being the president. The presidentail debate between Biden and Trump was insane and I was embarrassed for him. Then instead of holding a primary for the American people to decide who they wanted to nominate to run as his replacement, they choose for us. How very undemocratic. But they pushed out Bernie too so this wasn’t a shock.
When the first Trump assassination attempt happened I was shocked. People’s reactions were of disappointment that the bullet missed. The ugliness of the left continued showing it’s face to me and I did not like what I saw. I wanted to look into what else they were lying about. When I found the “very fine people hoax” that was the end for me. I was down the rabbit hole of finding how badly I was brainwashed. What was I missing?
I dipped my toe in at first by listening to gay, black, and trans conservatives on why they held the opinions they did. Then I made my way to people like Ben Shapiro and Charlie Kirk. I was surprised at how reasonable they were. And they made great points in a respectful way. The conservative world view was becoming clearer to me as I realized that the left has NO IDEA what the conservative point of view even is. They’ve been shut out of the conversation by a mob chorus screaming “BIGOT! RACIST! NAZI!” Without even hearing them out.
When I found out about the Charlie Kirk assassination I was devastated. I had grown to like and respect him although we had differences of opinion. After seeing the reaction of leftists and my friends on social media I had a stomach ache for days. Is this how they would feel about my murder? Or my family’s? When did everyone become so vile? Are these the same people I loved in the communities I lived in? All those compassionate people wanting to make the world a better place? Was this on their list? Where had their morality gone?
There is so much more I could say. And there’s so much more to learn. I have broken down unsure of who I am wondering if I would have made the same choices like not having kids if I had not been brainwashed.
So here I am.
I wanted to be a hardcore Orthodox or Catholic Christian. The symbolism of the liturgy is so deep and beautiful. I love the order and authority of the church and the collective devotion. The sacred art and music that speak to the transcendent. I love the sense of community at protestant churches. But anyway I choose, in their eyes I’m a heretic.
I’m here wondering if there are any people out there like me? Ex-leftist, anti-Trumper, anti-Christian, new ager, turned Christian mystic heretic American patriot.
I’m coming to accept that while feel love and kinship toward Christians, I may never be considered one of them. I also accept that I’m no longer part of the political left but don’t completely fit on the right. I’m somewhat politically homeless but leaning more right wing each day.
I’ve never fit the mold and I guess I never will.
That’s okay as long as I remember my true identity as a daughter of God.
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you.”
1 Peter 1:3-4
