I spent the past year diving into Christianity by reading the Bible, attending churches of all kinds, praying the rosary, using the Hallow app daily, reading books, and listening to Christian podcasts and debates. I have wrestled with choosing a denomination, been awe-inspired by the beautiful symbolism and meaning behind the liturgy of the Catholic and Orthodox Church, and humbled by the deep wisdom contained within the faith that I rejected and dismissed as a know-it-all kid.
This is coming from someone who has been in the “alternative spirituality” world their entire life. I grew up Catholic and rejected Christianity entirely as ridiculous brainwashing with no real value except for those in power to control you and keep people in fear.
Instead, I fell in love with Nature. I studied meditation, the chakras, Wicca, and yoga. I read self-help books. I lived in ecovillages, volunteered at temples, and worked at holistic retreat centers.
One day I enrolled in an online workshop centered around the Dark Goddesses. The premise was that the dark side of our collective subconscious holds a lot of repressed emotion and negatively controls us. If we can tap into these archetypes that represent our shadow self, we can liberate ourselves and become whole.
Or something like that.
It sounded good to me at the time so I took one on Kali, the Hindu goddess of death and destruction also known as the ego-slayer. I also took one on Liltih, who is supposedly a Judaeo-Christian figure but possibly has ties to Egyptian paganism, who represents female sovereignty. At the end of the visualization in the workshop, the facilitator instructed us to call on Mary Magdalene and to feel her unconditional love and compassion. I was intrigued.
Long story short: Mary Magdalene led me to Mother Mary, and then Mother Mary led me to Jesus.
I did not see it coming.
Ever since I have been vacillating between these 2 vastly different worlds, trying to find some common ground. Searching for what I truly believe and who I am.
And now I’m writing this to tell you that I have finally decided that I can’t call myself a Christian…
But also that I want to follow Jesus.
I was ready to go super traditional and rest in the authority of the Church. I was ready to give myself over to it.
But now with my new level of knowledge, certain things are starting to bother me.
It seems like all the problems I’ve had with Christianity my whole adult life come down to:
- Christian hypocrites
- Ignorance (not reading the bible myself)
- Paul perverting Jesus’s teaching and creating “Christianity”
I had now dealt with my reservations about Christian hypocrites because I am a hypocrite too. None of us are perfect and there is no reason to expect that from others. I can see that those who truly take Christianity seriously actually do try and they are probably better at not sinning than I am.
I also never had any real way of debating or refuting anything that Christians said because I never read the bible and didn’t learn any history. But now, although not a biblical scholar, I understand the history and worldview much better. I’m still reading the bible cover to cover, so I still have lots to learn. But at least I recognize that now with respect and humility.
But Paul…
Paul seems problematic.
Christianity itself seems to be primarily based on the teachings of Paul rather than the teachings of Jesus.
Paul seems boastful. He also had plenty of drama with the actual apostles who lived with Jesus. Paul never met Jesus. He only claimed to have a vision of him. It’s also in Paul’s writings where we see the exclusion of women from being teachers.
Jesus had two major commandments for us. They are simple, yet difficult:
Love your neighbor as yourself, and love God with all your heart.
That’s it. To be saved, you need to obey the 10 commandments in the Old Testament and Love One Another.
‘”Teacher, which commandment in the law is greatest?” He said to him, ‘”You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.” This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.’
Matthew 22:36-40
Paul, on the other hand, says we only need to believe in Jesus. To be saved you have to believe that Jesus died for your sins and was resurrected from the dead. God needed a blood sacrifice to forgive us. Just like in the Old Testament.
Again, I am new at this but it is becoming clear to me that while I want more true Christians in the world, I could never claim to be one. I am walking a strange line of guiding my step-daughter through the bible at her request and taking her to church, while also learning about the incongruencies between what Jesus himself actually taught, and what the Chruch is teaching us. Her deciding to follow Jesus, get baptized, read the bible, go to church, and start thinking more about her own behavior and morals has been extremely good for her. I will not take that away based on my own personal inner conflicts.
I just want to stay open and humble in this journey and I look forward to comments from you all. Have you been through anything similar? Do you struggle with Christianity, the bible, or the Chruch but still want to follow Jesus? Please let me know! I haven’t yet come across others who feel this way in real life.
I want to follow Jesus not as a Christian, but as a truth-seeking human being.
<3
Nicole