Last year around this time in January I had taken an interest in Mary Magdalene. This interest was sparked as a result of my lifelong exploration of New Age topics.
I had never been too interested in specific gods and goddesses, however, since I was young I was intrigued by the idea that there is a God and a Goddess. I was raised Catholic and found the male figure of God in Christianity to be incomplete. I was longing for something that would more fully (in my view) represent life and creation.
I turned to pagan and earth-based religions and practices like Wicca and witchcraft for the most part. I also read a bit on Buddhism and Hinduism but the focus on the earth, nature, the Goddess, and looking within was what drew me into Wicca. Along with the physical spells that felt magical and special.
I was finally finding the feminine reflected in spirituality.
I also saw a lot of hypocrisy and hate coming from people claiming to be Christians in the media. I looked into some of the bible verses that were used to justify their views and I was horrified. I didn’t understand why anyone would want to honor a God who condoned these barbaric lines in the bible- supposedly the Word of God.
And I was off.
I stopped going to Catechism classes and refused to make my confirmation, a necessary step in professing your faith in the Catholic Church. I felt I certainly didn’t need a hateful, sexist, racist, archaic religion to guide me toward becoming a better person or having a relationship with God.
Fast forward to age 40 in late 2023, and I’m still on that New Age journey except I was no longer interested in any specific religion or practice. Just doing my shadow work and healing my past trauma that was hindering me from breaking free of my toxic patterns.
I was still searching and finding myself having the same problems even though I was completely aware of all my shortcomings. I couldn’t stop myself.
I was taking a short workshop on the “dark goddesses” Kali and Lilith. Kali is the Hindu goddess of death and destruction. She is named the “ego-slayer.” Out of Love, she takes away anything in your life that’s holding you back including things or people you don’t want to part with. I thought that was just what I needed. I keep getting in my own way.
It was understood that these archetypes represented very real energies in the universe that had power and could be invited into your life to transform and heal you. But the transformation necessitates pain and loss as exemplified by real life. I was crying during the final guided visualization when the facilitator instructed us to let in the unconditional love of Mary Magdalene to bring comfort and healing.
I was shocked that she even mentioned her. First of all, she’s not a Goddess, but a person. And she is from the Christian faith. That was always a big no-no in New Age circles to say anything that validated Christianity.
Nevertheless, I found a lot of peace in bringing her to mind even though I knew very little about her at this point. I had bought a book about her years earlier that I never got around to reading so I read it. My childhood hero Tori Amos had mentioned her many times in songs and interviews so I had a nagging curiosity. She seemed to represent the intersection of sexuality and spirituality. There was an image of female rebellion in the subculture when it came to her so I was always intrigued but never followed through to investigate.
Long story short, Mary Magdalene was a gateway for me to finally realize what the New Age movement calls the “divine feminine” was right there the whole time… hiding within Christianity.
Mary Magdalene brought me to Mother Mary.
And Mother Mary brought me to Jesus.
I was reading everything I could about Mary Magdalene and listening to podcasts about Gnosticism and mystical Christianity. I started reading about Mother Mary and praying the rosary.
SHE was there in the Church all along.
On that “New Age” journey of self-improvement, I ultimately made little progress. I have always been interested in transformation. I wanted to heal, learn, grow, and evolve as a person. I wanted to stop my toxic patterns. I wanted to get over my social anxiety and character flaws so that I could make the world a better place.
Although I am so thankful for the path I’ve been on and I have done and seen amazing things, I didn’t feel like I was progressing. I didn’t even think I was on the right path anymore.
In 2024, the tiny cracks in my worldview socially, politically, and spiritually all became huge chasms. I could no longer cross them without falling into the abyss. So I stopped resisting what was being shown to me. I dove in.
Today, in 2025, I am learning to accept that my old worldview, along with my old identity, is falling away. I don’t know what this will mean for my relationships. My Omega and Lost Valley friends are confused and some are pretty angry with me for my moderate political views that seem conservative to them.
Back in 2015, I was so over the moon about finally finding people who were “like me” when I quit my job, left my family, moved to the other side of the country, and lived in an ecovillage.
I had felt so alone and different all of my life. My new life with those new “like-minded” people was a reprieve from that. And now I feel alone again. I always seem to be at odds with the majority. But I guess that’s just part of the cross I bear. Everyone has their own.
I don’t know anyone else who has rejected Christianity all their lives in search of the Truth in nature or the self, only to find themselves unsatisfied and crawling back to the Church.
Part of me still questions it. I can still hear the arguments and understand them. I am hesitant. I feel stuck between wanting tradition and to follow The Word, while also wanting liberation from all the rules that can seem arbitrary. I am also drawn to the mystical and a more direct experience of God.
But more and more I’m seeing that in order to have true freedom, you need safety. Rules, discipline, borders, tradition, and structure all make true freedom possible. It’s a paradox.
I’m being drawn to find the most authentic and traditional denomination of Christianity. I thought that was Catholicism but I’m learning that Orthodox may be even more true to the original church.
I will be visiting an Orthodox Church soon. It has been difficult since my step-daughter has decided she wants to be baptised in the Episcopal Church so we have been going there every Sunday.
I am eager to learn more and have been reading the bible from the beginning. If you’d like to join me you can find my first post with notes on Genesis 1 and 2 here.
Please let me know in the comments about your journey or experience with Mary Magdalene, religion, spirituality, and God. I will keep you updated!
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Nicole