What do you believe?
I mean truly with all your heart, what are the things you are passionate about and have no doubts about these beliefs being 100% correct?
Of those beliefs, how many have you held all your life?
Has anything changed?
How often do you get angry because of your beliefs or the beliefs of others?
How often do you fail to live up to the values that support your beliefs?
These days we all want to know what others believe in order to judge whether they are decent, intelligent, or worthwhile. If they don’t believe in what you do they might get labeled as stupid, delusional, cruel, or hateful.
Even evil.
But what about us?
Can we honestly say we always do the right thing? Have you never lied or been selfish? Have you never manipulated a situation to have a better advantage or to get what you want more easily? Have you never hurt anyone’s feelings? You’ve never felt hate in your heart? You’ve never judged anyone, ever?
If you deny any of this then bravo! You are the second coming of Jesus. Good luck with us!
For the rest of us who find it challenging to continually live up to even our own moral standards all the time…I get it.
It’s an impossible task to be human and perfect.
Recently I haven’t even been able to come to the simple understanding of what I believe anymore. It feels like everything in this world has been flipped upside down.
My usual tactic when I feel lost and confused is to go within, take time for myself, research what I’m struggling with, and become completely consumed by it.
But that has only ever led me toward a fundamentalist mindset that I have condemned in others. Specifically, those who hold to a particular religious or political worldview that results in the exclusion and hatred of “outsiders.”
What if I tried something different?
I have always assumed that I could figure life out. I thought that one day I’d have some answers about who I am and I’d find out what my purpose is in life.
But I’m continually wrong.
Or I never find the motivation to finish all the projects I start. I begin each new adventure with so much excitement but it eventually fizzles out from distraction, boredom, doubt, fear, and even forgetfulness. I end up finding something else to obsess about for a while and the cycle continues.
I’ll think I finally found my purpose and the correct avenue to express it or share it only to be disappointed, disillusioned, and defeated all over again.
Maybe it’s ok not to know who I am. Maybe I can stop with the consuming need to find myself and prove my worth. Maybe the answer isn’t in going within but in letting God in. Maybe I need to recognize that I don’t know what I’m doing and I need God to choose. I have all these different wants and needs that conflict with each other.
What if I surrender all of them to God?
What if I forget about myself and instead remain open to God? What does S/He need from me?
I have fooled myself into thinking I am someone who does for others. The reality is I do for others so that I can get something whether that be love, attention, acceptance, belonging, peace, order, a sense of significance, or that I matter…to be thought of as a good person.
But I am not as good as I thought if these are my motivations.
Maybe I finally leave myself out of it.
I fire myself as the micromanager of my life.
I keep messing up. I constantly fall short not only in behavior but also in my heart. I get angry, resentful, judgmental, depressed, anxious, fearful, disconnected…
And yes this makes me human. This is what original sin actually is. The separation from God. Thinking that we can do better without God.
I need to forget myself and my conflicting desires.
I need to start living for God.
Because the only thing that I still believe is that God gave me a purpose just like S/He gave you. But I will never be able to really figure out what that is or how to carry it out without surrendering to his will and guidance.
I need to accept that may not look anything like I envisioned.
S/He may want me to become what I judged before. I’ve fooled myself into thinking I’m morally superior to some because of certain actions or beliefs. But when tested I fall short every time. When I can no longer avoid my triggers I can feel hatred boiling in my veins.
If you avoid people or situations that may challenge or upset or dysregulate you, then of course you can pretend that you are better. When you don’t take risks of course you will not show as many faults and mistakes as others who are putting themselves out there.
I am no better.
I know the content of this blog is changing but that can’t be helped.
I am changing.
Thank you to those who take the time to read about my journey. I am learning to forget my old self and going through a bit of an identity crisis as this world spins out of control.
I imagine that a lot of you are going through something similar and I hope that if you are reading this it helps you feel less alone.
<3>
Nicole Ivy